A dominant does not mean…

I thought I would just ramble a bit today. Tomorrow is Father’s Day and I wanted to say a few things about misconceptions. While each relationship is different there are somethings that are not always understood.

In my world, I don’t call my spouse my dom. He doesn’t need it and neither do I. We play at home, not a club or small group. We are intimate. In my world a dominant, my dominant, is the Head of Household (HOH). Period. For us it has always been a natural way of life and I don’t even think about it.It is easy and takes arguing away.

Honestly, it was just what we did without rules, guidelines, and a lot of plain trial and error. We aren’t patterning ourselves after any specific group. Some clever people call it THIS THING WE DO and that is what I have loved to call it ever since learning the phrase.

Here are some things I have learned in our marriage that has lasted over 35 years.

A dominant man does NOT mean:

  • Rough, man-handling in the bedroom unless his partner really asks, verbally, for it and even then, increase in small measured quantities

    • What we say when we are aroused can be easily misinterpreted if a man is not well versed in his partner’s needs, things could go awry quickly
    • On the flip side, if she has established what level of intensity in play that she/he likes, don’t frustrate them by not fulfilling that need unless it is part of the game

 

  • Making all the decisions both in the bedroom and outside of it.

    • Some dominants enjoy all the control in the bedroom but contrary to the most exciting book you have read, they do enjoy their partner initiating things sometimes and enjoy reciprocal affection initiated by their partner.
    • Make the decisions you can but confer when needed.

 

  • They are ON all the time. Many or even most dominants want a capable partner if they are together outside of play because making all the decisions just sucks the life out of anyone.

    • That being said, it is a huge red flag if you need to “clear” a normal daily task with your dominant. This is outside of play and okay if agreed upon but there are limits. Both should be comfortable where they are set.

 

  • They are perfect. Of course, they make mistakes. They make plenty and should know how to apologize and if there is something needed to correct the mistake. All done without shifting responsibility.

    • They also expect the same from you. If either of you have difficulty owning up to human error, may I suggest working on that.

 

  • They are mind readers.

    • You want something, need something, experienced something, tell him, talk to him, be available to him. He can grasp many things but your thoughts, while may be easy to guess at times, is just that, a guess unless you have told him.

 

  • They are self-sustaining. They are human and as such, are needy beings. We all need love, reinforcement, to be allowed vulnerabilities and life hurts us all sometimes.

    • Be the person you want him to be for you. While they often know what to do, they want to do it with you. And need you as much as you need them.

 

  • You are his door mat, his puppet, his computer animation.

    • You are his partner, someone he should be proud of and if you do not have pride in yourself, it is difficult for him to continually boost you up. If self-esteem is a big issue for you, find a counselor to help you gain that self-love. It works both ways.

 

  • You do all the work both physically and emotionally, while he drinks a beer and watches the game.

    • If he cares for you and what you have together, he will do his best to share the load. Lovingly.

 

  • He barges in, takes over, and runs every show. He can’t fix it all, save it all, orchestrate it all. All the time. Don’t expect it and don’t ask it of him.

 

  • It’s all about sex, because it isn’t. It is all about everything. The way he loves, cherishes and respects you as well as expects those same things from you as an expected way of life.
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